Holy Shit!!!!

In nearly 10 days, this




will no longer be riding in this


Instead, it will be riding in this

0402111151 - Copy, a photo by no_hypothermia on Flickr.

Is this picture real or hopefully imagined??

Happily, time is running out...

for off topic posts, as ski season (and other major developments soon to be announced) draws near.
Anyway, while Steve Jobs slowly destroys my ears during my off-season workouts, I have come to a frightening couple of frightening realizations:
1. A hug chunk of the music on my iPod is pushing, or has passed, the 20-year-old barrier.
2. The early 90s FUCKING ROCKED!
2a. I'm getting old?
I submit as evidence:


Of course, with every yin, there is a yang, and there was a sizable amount of music in the early 90s that, despite attempts, did not fucking rock.
I submit as evidence:


No way in hell can I end on a Spin Doctors video. So here is more support for realization #2

Clever, but not...

clever enough CRB. Even with Muary Levy on retainer, Nola has been playing the game about 10 moves ahead. Remember Back When you hired Jack Bauer to take Nola out? That, coincidentally, was the same time Nola was using Jack Bauer as a double agent to swindle the CRB out of their cooler and their paddle once and for all.

Here's how it happened: You see, Nola literally sniffed out the plan the CRB plan to hire Jack Bauer. Sniffed out as in Jack smelled like Cheez-its. Next time CRB, shower before your clandestine meetings. So, Nola sold a few Milkbones on Ebay and ponied up enough cash to to Make Jack Listen.

Don't think it's possible? Here's the evidence.


Remember this scene, the crux (so you thought)of CRB retribution?


All a ruse. The plan was for Jack to paddle out into international waters, have Jack "shoot and miss," sinking the rowboat, leaving the paddle and the (puke-tinged) CRB cooler floating aimlessly, just waiting to be claimed.

All Nola had to do was lay low for a while, hop in the boat, and scoop up the goods.


Even Muary Levy is helpless,as Nola operated in international waters.


Jack McCoy's(as Nola's Duly appointed fiduciary) role in this chapter? to remind Muary, (and his CRB clients) just how screwed he is.

CRB, again, you messed with...

the wrong dog.

Recently, you accused a certain Golden Retriever

of plagiarism. A week or two has passed since that masochistic accusation. In that week or two, rage incubated. Nola read your 1000th post. Now the dog is out for blood. And she has some help

Jack Bauer is a pansy compared to the napalm steamroller now in Nola's employ: Nola hired a Jack more terrifying (to those he opposes)than even Jack the Ripper. That Jack is none other than Jack McCoy.






Jack (as Nola's duly appointed fiduciary) is coming for you, CRB. He's suing you for libel. Get ready for a mountain of paperwork

Here is a glimpse of your future

CRB, Jack (as Nola's duly appointed fiduciary) has a question for you:


CRBers
in case you might be wondering just how Nola has the means to retain Jack McCoy's services, she put up two trophies up as collateral.


When will you learn, CRB, to let, as the proverb cautions, sleeping dogs lie?

No way in hell...

will I conclude my digression on cover songs with two shitty ones.

I like this one.


Here is my all time favorite cover tune.


If you cover it, bring it. That should be Federal law.

*Correction, at the time of Posting, Celine Dion's wretched bastardization of "You Shook Me All Night Long" was pasted instead of Eddie Vedder's version Of Gordon Peterson's "Hard Sun" I DO NOT LIKE that Celine Dion Tune. That was a cut-and-paste faux pas.

While we're on the subject...

this cover is, arguably, worse than Fergie's tragicomic rendition of "Sweet Child o' Mine."



This one, however, takes the cake (and substitutes salt for sugar in the recipe)



To paraphrase: May God NOT have mercy upon your souls.

The previous post...

could be titled "How Not to Cover a Great Rock Song." This, is how it should be done.






By the way, It's winter, so going off topic is ok. BACK OFF MAN!

And so verily...

it was, an abomination upon that most sacred of rock Pslams. And it came to pass, on that holy Sabbath, that it was blasphemed. And the LORD was angry. And so the bile rose, from the pit of the stomach to the ears, upon those who listened. And verily, they brought forth vomitus, and their ears burned. For she sang...



My theory on why Slash is participating:
Slash is telling Axl If it sucks so bad, then why don't you stop snorting coke off of that washed up (circa '88)groupie's flabby ass, sack up, grab a mic, and belt this shit out the way God intended.

Alternate theory: Anything for a paycheck

Nice weather...

we're havin'!

High...

Output indeed.



I wonder if Andy threw down with Cory 'cuz he was mackin' on his honey**.



**Notice the hip lingo

TURN DOWN...

THE MUSIC!!!

Dear Bigwigs at Correct Craft. I recently watched the video of your new all-electric powered ski boat on your website. Great work. Of course the Electric Nautique is not ready for mass-production right now, but it is a great first step and I applaud your company's willingness to experiment with new technology. Real innovation requires bold, though sometimes awkward, first steps, and your company put forth the money, labor, and time to push the limits of available technology. The payoff may (or may not) come years or decades from now, yet Correct Craft has the courage to go after it.


That being said, I have discovered one itty-bitty problem with the promotional video on the blog section of the Nautique website. Here is the problem: Except for the last two or three seconds, background music plays during all of the skiing footage. WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS AN ELECTRIC BOAT,WITH NEARLY SILENT OPERATION! The lack of engine noise would make this video sound completely different than ANY other skiing video. Without the background music, you, Correct Craft, could treat viewers (and potential boat-buyers) to an aural experience unlike any other in waterskiing. But instead, you decided to wash the clip in generic background music so it would sound like every other skiing clip ever produced. Great work.
Assuming that boat promotion has been around as long as there have been boats, Adding background music has to be the, stupidest, most moronic idea ever used to promote a boat. You have made something truly unique sound just like everything else. Brilliant, just brilliant.
This quote sums it best

Simply put...

I need my Auburn Tigers to win. Watching the Saints tank it* in the playoffs against a 7-9 team and watching Auburn lose the National Championship** Game would be too much to disappointment for me to handle***.

*royally

**In as much as the B(silent)CS can crown a "National Champion." See Tulane, TCU, Boise Stae, Utah, Auburn cicra '04

***Perspective, Shmershective

In case any of you...

are having trouble deciding on Christmas gifts for me, how about some suggestions.

Safety first, I need a new life vest


And some skis


Oh yeah, my boardshorts are getting a bit ragged. Time to upgrade.

Definitely the piece de resistance


You can find some cherry stuff on ebay .

My birthday is coming up too (it's on Christmas eve), so multiple gifts are a viable option.

To keep my legions...

of subscribers in the spirit of the season, how about another of my favorite Christmas tunes

Deck some halls..

with another one



I never knew unitl I posted this that U2 filmed this in Baton Rouge. Brings a level of Irony to the line about the snow coming down.


That intro is totally 80's to the max.

What the hell....

here is another one





Joey Ramone was so badass, he could make a non-comedic christmas song cool*

I had some problems with the copy function on the right click button and double-posted the RUN DMC video. But it's all good now.




*If you disagree with the following statement, then YOU SUCK!

Here is another...

one of my fav Xmas jamz.

I am a firm believer in...

beginning the Christmas season AFTER Thanksgiving.* Since the Thanksgiving Dinner is traditionally eaten in mid-afternoon, I consider thanksgiving to be over at night on Thanksgiving day, or after the tryptophan nap, whichever comes first.

So, to kick off the Christmas (off)season, here is my all-time favorite Christmas song.



*American Thanksgiving, not the pre-Halloween Canadian Thanksgiving. Although by the time the calendar strikes November in Canada it is too damn cold to be thankful for anything. You Canucks should still wait until the fourth week of November. Otherwise, that is just too damn much Christmas.

An obscure bit of...

terminology from the urban dictionary .

Waterskiing
The act of being so thoroughly drunk that you piss yourself at the bar with your legs apart, while holding onto the handrail along the side.

Aussie 1: "Jeez mate, you look rough. Hard night?"
Aussie 2: "Too bloody right. I got so steamed last night I went waterskiing at the bar!"
Aussie 1: "Strewth! I bet that was a relief..."


Alternate Title: Bad ideas for a fourth event.

Some more late...

National coverage. A few clips from M2 jump.

Me

Technically sound, just not very far. I left some overall hardware out there with weak jumps

Brett M

Third place, it also helped him get some overall hardware

Brian A

He was off his game a little that day

Jeff S

Fourth place, and an overall title on his home site

Jeff P

Life and limb> National championship

John B

I missed his winning jump with camera trouble.

Just because this is one...

of my all-time favorite movie scenes

A thought about...

collegiate skiing, and one area where it is miles ahead of NCAA sports. That area would be gender equality.

Earlier this month, I was sitting on a dock waiting to ski and somehow Title IX came up in conversation. I basically said that it was a good law (mandating gender equality in collegiate athletics), applied clumsily (by cutting unprofitable men's sports). Collegiate waterskiing's current format encourages gender equality with a simple method: Making team scores the combined total of men's and women's score, and only recognizing placements based on combined scores. teams that do not field full men's and women's teams are at a competitive disadvantage.

The NCAA should look to the NCWSA for better ways to comply with Title IX. NCWSA-style combined team titles would force schools into two choices: gender equality or habitual losing

While combined championships might not make sense for team sports, it would be a realistic way to organize track and field, swimming, and/or gymnastics. If cutting the Men's team would hurt the women's team too, maybe Title IX could become a good law applied fairly.

Just a thought

This winter...

I really want to try this.


Looks like slalom on snow.

Thanks to my intense research*, I am an expert on this frozen form of slalom. Apparently it's called skwaling, performed on a single ski called- wait for it...- a skwal. My research also tells me that the sport is nearly unheard of in the US, and only slightly more heard of in Europe, mostly in France**.

Maybe there is a magazine in France called "Le Ski," that devotes 98% of it's content, and 99% of it's pages, to skwaling.

*Wikipedia AND Google

**The ignorant redneck response to my research: The French work ethic renders them are incapable of logging the work hours required to afford and purchase both skis in a pair.

If anything, it's just to....

get back in the blogging habit. Here are more random shots. These are from waaaaay back in June.


Adam



Paul


Yours Truly (believe it or not, I missed this pass)


Mother Nature


Notice the magic, boatless skier.

Boatless skiing, that would be cheaper and greener. What would skiers do with their hands without a handle? Oragami, perhaps?

A few random shots...

from Nationals


That is one bad-ass bike. Those douchebags* on American Chopper can suck it.


If any of those companies want to sponsor me, you can only contact me between the hours of 7am-7am Monday through Sunday.


Add some "happy little trees" in the foreground, and you have Bob Ross-ian ski shot.


Did Guam get a flag?

*I hate that fucking show. I would rather watch ten hours of the Lifetime network than ten minutes of any episode ofAmerican Chopper. Making an ugly, barely driveable motorcycle with fire engine parts on it won't change the world, you dipshits.

DVD or VHS?

It's time for the first ever Waterskiing, etc movie review. Ok, not so much as a movie review as a comparison between two sets of trick videos.

Up first, we have a trip back to the mid 90's with the Cory Pickos/Mike Suyderhoud Trick Clinic series.


Next, representing the mid to late 00s (and the continent of Australia), is the Joel Wing Beginner to Advanced trick instructional DVD.

For a tricks instructional video, DVD is obviously superior to VHS, especially if a viewer does not wish to view the tricks in order. Advantage: Wing

When it comes to instructor gravitas, Cory and Mike win, hands down, no contest. Check out Cory's career highlights here
and mike's here .

For comparison's sake, here is a link to Joel's list of accomplishments Though he is obviously a world-class skier, he cannot compete with 24 world trick records over three different decades.

After watching all three of Cory and Mike's tapes,I think Joel mad a mistake making only one DVD to cover the entire trick event. Slalom and jump require initial mastery of a few fundamental techniques, only the speed and intensity changing. Tricking requires more techniques than either slalom or jump, perhaps too many to cover in a single video. It shows when watching the Wing video. Sometimes Joel channels his inner Micro Machine man while trying to analyze difficult tricks.



Cory and Mike could be accused of the opposite. Over a series of three tapes and nearly three hours, they spend much more time per trick than the Joel does. Cory and Mike give a few tricks extra time, show multiple takes in slow motion, and at regular speed with analysis of every part of the trick.

Joel Wing shot his video on a river in Australia lined with ridiculously expensive home and disgustingly expensive yachts. While that makes for a postcard-worthy backdrop, It can be distracting for an instructional video. Cory and Mike shot their video on a large, relatively uninhabited lake surrounded by desert mountains. Cory's skiing stands out clearly against the bland background. Cory and Mike's producers must have used a bland backdrop to compensate for the low resolution of VHS. As a result, the skiing is very watchable, despite Cory's Mullet. Cory and Mike win again with location.

So to anyone looking for some video trick coaching, skip Joel's DVD and buy Cory and Mike's series instead. Oh wait, Cory and Mike's are not for sale anymore. Just call me before coming over to my place for a viewing party. Remember, I work night shifts, so I sleep a lot during daylight hours.


Oh yeah, and don't drink all of my Coke Zeros while watching my Pickos tapes. My guard dog will be all up in the grille of anyone who so much as looks at my fridge.




You know who you are.

Avant de devenir champion du...

ski nautique, Patrice Martin etait chantuer?



Patrice, nous vous remercions pour abandonner la musique. Vous etiez meilleur au slalom, les figures, et le sauter.


Je vais oublier que j'ai jamais vu ce Patrice au-dessus.


Au-dessous, c'est le vrai Patrice

Back with a ....

THUD.


I coughed up some blood after that one. But I'm feeling much better now.

One of the most difficult things to do when filming a jumper is catching the splashdown on a crash. On more than one occassion, I have seen the cameraman have an "OH SHIT" moment and move his/her hands away from his/her face.

The same thing happened on a double wake back in '08:


Moral of the story: When getting your jump sets on video, use a cold, emotionless camera operator.

I am listening...

to grown men cry on WWL radio's Point After Saints Call in show.


Saints win the Super Bowl.




Fuck Yeah!

War Damn...

Eagle! My alma mater, undergraduate edition, has a new ski team website.

Auburn University Water Ski Team

Check it out.

Why I am confident...

that the Saints will win:

Talk about waterskiing...

has been put on the back burner. Given my bayou-bred heritage, I am caught up in "Who Dat" hysteria.

Even Knit Tidbits , aka Mrs. Lakerykert, has the fever. Observe her latest crafting project:



I must admit, the NFC championship game wore me out, physically, mentally, and emotionally.


sadly enough, Knit Tidbits did not capture my celebration on videotape. But it was something like this guy's.


Despite losing everything but bowel control after the big kick two weeks ago, I write, with confidence, that I am ready for the Su, whoops, I mean the game that will played on Sunday for the pro football championship.

For the record, Nola thinks I am fucking nuts



Also, Mad props to my CRB homeys for pulling for the Saints this weekend.

In case you haven't...

noticed,
1. It's winter here in Iowa
2. I haven't posted anything in a while.

Given that ski season is a about three months away, I will start off with off-topic posts.

Hailing, originally, from the state of Louisiana, I am a die-hard New Orleans Saints' fan. Needless to say, I have been excited about the season, and a possible berth in the game whose mere mention requires the written consent of the commissioner's office.

In order to make it to the unnamed game, The Saints must beat Brett Favrrrrr and the Minnesota Vikings. I think the Saints will win the game. Why?
Better songs.

Vikings' exhibit A

Some Vikings song I found on youTube



Vikings' exhibit B

"Purple & Gold"


Honestly, I expected better from Prince


Saints' exhibit A

"The Saints are Coming"



Saints' exhibit B

"When the Saints go marching in"


Game over. It's no contest.

If the crew of the CRB is reading, Nola has been up late lately, pouring through Tom & Jerry style blueprints

Off topic,...

but priceless advice nonetheless.

This month, I've gone...

back in time,



to July, or so it feels. A warm Spetember with 23 straight days of sunshine, and not much wind, means lots of good water.

Tom has had a couple out-the-backs recently, so we're going back to bacics.


Terry is social-security eligible, but you wouldn't know it when watching him slalom.


I still need to clean up my reverse toe tricks.

Dr. Dre was right

slower is better.

It wouldn't be regionals...

without a close call on the jump ramp.

'08:


'09:


BTW, brilliant color commentary from Reedski on the '08 jump.

In response to the "clean out your jumpsuit" comment, Don't worry Brian, I always PJD.

T minus 2...

days until I leave for Nationals.


Hell yes.

Shameless...

self-promotion.

I am on the Flickr Blog.




Here is the soon-to-be famous photo


So, My enhanced silhouette is out there, for all the billions** of readers of the Flickr Blog to barely see.

This could be my big break. I could make millions of theoretical dollars.




*The picture is of me, but someone in the boat took the picture. Actually, the photo on the flickr blog was taken from Libby's flickr page, as she enhanced the original picture and uploaded it.


**Fair enough, billions is a bit of hyperbole.

Road trip suggestion...

for my blogging Brethren, The CRB.

Get thee to Wilmington IL, this Saturday evening to watch Men 2 jump @ the Midwest Regional Championships.

The contenders* are all jumping their at best, and far.
Brian Ansel- 168 "on a 3/4" @ the Iowa Games**
Jeff Surdej- 166 @ The Illinois State Championships**
Brett Mommer- 160 "on my heels" @ The Illinois State Championships**
Aaron Weeks- no score from Indiana State Championships, but a solid 146 average.
Rykert Toledano- 156 and "I missed my lift" @ the Iowa Games**
Mike LaMarche- 143 @ the Illinois State Championships**


* All the level 8 jumpers as of Monday 7/27/09 on the usawaterski.org
ranking list.
** scores posted in a 5-10 mph tight-crossing tailwind


This Year, Water's Edge has a second ramp. That Means GUARANTEED HEADWIND. Guaranteed headwind means BIGGER JUMPS.

CRB, need a phat ride to roll into the event?

May I suggest this:

I think there just...

might be a link between calm water and good slalom:

Wednesday: calm water and Terry strokes his 32
water still calm and your fearless blog moderator strokes (sloppily)
his 32 as well.

Enter into evidence:






I want to collect LOTS more data.

Good Andrew...

First-ever complete pass at 30mph (30.4 to be exact).



Bad Andrew:
First time over the ramp.


RESIST THE RAMP AND GET ON YOUR TOES!


Don't worry Andrew, you'll get it.

Am I delusional,...

or do I have a knack for picking tournaments with shitty weather?





I must be crazy.

2 days...

off from work but I haven't been able to find a third. Damn.

Though posting average-at-best scores...

I fell in Love with Clearwater Beach and the annual Des Moines slalom tournament. That place is almost perfect.
What is so great about it?


I'll show you









Mud ridin', titty bars and waterskiing: The zenith (or trough) of modern civilization.

Like I said, almost perfect.

One quick addition:




Now it's perfect.

I finally...

caught a flip on camera.


More specifically, Katie actually caught it on camera. I've yet to master the film-while skiing technique.

Speaking of catching, here's a nasty edge-catch on a reverse W5F.


That one was a bell-ringer.

Ahhhh, young grasshopper....

effort come with bruises.

Tom is, literally, busting his ass to qualify for Midwest regionals this year. Here is some video evidence of said ass-busting.



Unfortunately, he is at a level where he is progressing, but can't quite anticipate an oncoming slalom crash. With practice, hopefully he will learn to recognize an impending shit sandwich, and avoid it. Until then, well, like Dr. evil says



A hard knock life indeed.

Methinks the...

Toe Back to Backs are a little sloppy.

Happy Birthday...

to Nola.




2 Years old and counting.

Must....

stop....




preturning

Since it's too...

god damn windy to ski this weekend, here is an off-topic WTF video.


Personally, I prefer Honey mustard on my feet.

Very nearly...

eating shit.



It's hard to see at full speed, but I almost fell head over heels over head over heels coming into number three.


In other news, Leah is finally sticking her hips and chest out over her skis.


If Leah does that this weekend, she'll collect some hardware from the Beaver at collegiate all-stars,


http://

This is...

damn cool.



I hope watching it doesn't give me vertigo again.

That ramp...

sat idle for too long.

No more.

Pat:


Me:


Leah (she skied at Bennett's for a week back in March, so she's already doing three-quarter cuts):


No big jumps on Sunday, but no big splats either.

As usual, we jumped in an all-too-frequent tailwind.

It's almost time...

to start jumping.

Though not cutting terribly hard in this clip, Leah is turning and edging the skis with a strong, balanced, body position.



I need to push my ass forward sligtly, otherwise there will be a few OTBs in my near future.


I would have done a few singles yesterday, but for a couple minor probelems.
1. The ramp had no flotation under the back left corner.
2. Said ramp was floating on the edge of the lake.

A day late ...

and off-topic, this is my 4/20 tribute.

In three parts:








This tribute is a day late. I couldn't post this yesterday because I had to pick up Nola from the shore of some pond. She smelled like PBR.

Oh how silly...

you are. You thought you could capture Nola with Jack Bauer.
Silly
CRBers,
Jack Bauer is the Elmer Fudd to Nola'a Bugs Bunny.
Nola has a plan for "inconveniences" such as these. Jack has a weakness and Nola knows how to exploit it.
All she has to do is distract Jack.

But how?
With a sound, the sound that can break Jack's laser-sight focus.




Nola always keeps a phone under her collar, for emergencies such as these.


Splash! Jack distracted, Nola lunges out of the rowboat.



In panic, Jack fires a shot.
Jack is upset.


Jack misses, piercing the hull!





So Nola swims away, sits on shore, and laughs.


So here we stand: a rowboat at he bottom of the lake, a dog on shore, a cooler and a paddle floating on the surface. I think Jack went down with the ship.

How did Nola get past the fat floating gunmen??

How, you ask?

Curious?



Cheez-its!


They produce quite a distraction.
Your move, CRB

Tom, I think...

you broke @ the waist.





Nice work. Clips from early in the year are generally not very exciting. A good splat, however, is always worth watching.


So far, I am tricking like I still have vertigo.



I don't, that clip was just bad tricking.

Hell yes,

that is frost on the dock.



Winter, as always, was too long. It's over now. Time to strap on the stiffys (Goodman stiffys, you pervs).



I can't go over the ramp until I have sensation in my toes wile cutting.

Photography 101:

Nature shots always look prettier with a ski boat in the foreground.

Another victim of...

the recession. Apparently,Nola has been laid off by the CRB. She had a cushy gig as the contact dog. But, when Pictures were leaked (at lakerykert) of Nola simply doing her job. CRB staff dug up old scandals and fired her, for an octo-rig.

This may seem, to the untrained blog-lurker, like a routine upgrade. Switching a Golden Retriever for an octo-rig can make sense. A higher volume of e-correspondence requires more horsepower. It was a business decision.

Or was it?

Nola did a little "investigative journalism," (some might say theft) and discovered that the CRB's contact octo-rig is not quite what it seems.

Observe:
What is Nola towing with that rope?



It's the CRB Octo-rig!?
WTF? Why is is that small?






The Octo-rig is a fake! Nola was outsourced by a children's bathtub toy. What's the matter, did Cheez-It's become too expensive? You should be ashamed of yourselves, CRB. She was a hard-working dog, dutifully responding to all those, er, Internet promotions. Now she will have to sell her laptop. Even a recently laid off postal worker would shudder at the type of retribution she could muster.

A quick update for...

your "No Shit, Sherlock" file.

Headline taken from the April 6, 2009 New York Times :




Children: Early Swim Lessons May Reduce Drowning


Profound.

Profound.

Stricken with...

irony.

I'm currently recovering from a brief, though intense bout of benign positional vertigo. The timing sucks, being that this is just about the time to start skiing (and shivering) in Iowa. Instead of perfecting toe back-to-backs, I'm pushing for more modest goals, like not losing my balance while feeding Nola.

By the way, Nola has been busily responding to CRB emails lately. How the hell did she get sucked into that gig? ODBF, or perhaps the Minion, must have bribed her with Cheez-its.
Good luck trying to get Nola to return the Missing CRB padlle, though.